tears gabbing each alone moment to come and invade my eyes..

even when im travelling on the bus..

made me only dare to either look down or outside the window..

using my hair to cover my face.. 

only time it let me off was when im around people.. 

in sch doing projects :(

since morning..

ohya..

think i mentioned smth about this morning in the main blog.. 

but didnt say what it was.. 

too down to even want to talk about it..

and i didnt want to start tearing in the middle of the day in the sch library..

=x

woke up in the morning crying...

didnt know exactly what was i dreaming about ald..

but there was dear dear in it i think..

then woke up and started missing him real bad...

like seriously fucking bad..

before i knew it, i was crying..

ya.. first thing in the morning started crying..

not a good sign..

which explains why i had tears in my eyes almost the whole day.. 

wanted to call dear but realised that he's working ald..

so ya..

washed up and got ready for sch with my tears all the while...

managed to calm myself enough to stop and get out of the house but started again as soon as i board the bus... 

hate myself for being such a weakling.. :(

but its not my fault for being this way oso right?

:(

not when dear dear is ignoring me..

not even replying me messages or picking up my call.. :(

seriously need to numb myself..

okokie..

need to head to bed soon ald..

can feel the alcohol effect kicking in ald..

managed to rmb where mummy kept her martell..

chugged down the whole damn cup i mixed..

head starting the feel light-headed ald..

mixed too thick..

but who cares..

fastest way to get numb... 

and that's what i need to feel now.. 

but face and body still not red yet...

means not enough still.. 

and thankfully bro went to bed early..

didnt want to look like an alcoholic in front of bro or set a bad example for him..

not like he never drink outside but still cant let him see his sister being lidat..

will only make him learn all the bad things..

cant cant...

have to be responsible for our actions..

and i dowan him to pick up all the bad things..

at least not because of me..

afterall he's my dear bro although i may always say i hate him and all..

but still deep down there i reali love him...

always my fucking annoying coconut brain little bro.. ^.^

ok thoughts not reali making sense now..

shall wash up and slp now..

fucking project-ing again in the morning again!

fuck! 

maybe shall chug down another cup.. 

considering im still not red yet.. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

behaving unlike the normal me..

something is wrong with my brain these days..

too much project?

not enough slp?

being ignored by dear?

IDK!

FUCK IT!